Bullshit

You know...i think its about time...
I've really been watching and letting go...
You were cool and all...or that's what i thought...i even cared about how you were doing and stuff...a couple of times the thoughts of being friends with you crossed my mind, since I thought you had dealt with this really nicely...I had know everything all along.
but then I got to know the truth...
You dont even like the mention of my 'name'...and yet you "befriend" this young woman as if she's nothing but an open place for your not-so-teenage and oh-so-much-more pure and real "love" that is beyond the comprehension of a mere 'kid' like me...
yeah. condescending as it is...more importantly it was confusing for her to the extent of depression "you know nothing about love"..."you have so much more to learn"
"my love for you is beyond the love you and everyone else thinks of" "my love is different than his...he cant love you the way i do" WHAT does it even mean?

do you know what it feels like...? Do you, asshole?

There's so much I have kept inside for so long...I mean there were moments when the timing couldn't have been more perfect, the timing to speak out, what I had in mind couldn't have been said at a better time...but i never did. Just kept giving you another chance....and another...and another...thinking, well perhaps he's still tryin to shake it off but maybe its hard for him...and that he'll eventually be alright. I know that's where he wants to be...
I always told myself, No...he's cool...he oughta understand...i thought you were better than me....and i dont have to kill any ego or anything like that to admit that i did

But what have you done??

Again, I ask you...Do you know what it feels like...?

You say to her "how can you let yourself be possessed by somebody at such a young age...i dont like how he can do that to you"
So you mean she should be an "open-house" for people like you? Whatever happened to her feelings and her desires in something special and exclusive?
dude, do you know the irony of this? what I have been silently ignoring for so long...? YOU are still, to this day, possessive about her...
admit it
You just dont get it...you dont...
and who ARE you?
You know, YOU getting uncomfortable when she mentions ME, still...ignoring any conversations about me...they clearly show what you feel man. Why cant you just face it?
Was she not clear enough the first time???? :\ I mean does it matter if I tell you your advances aren't a matter of thought or epiphany...but a matter of disappointment? :|
For me they're what they would be to any other bf. But for her its agonizing...
she was NOT kiddin around with you when she said what she wanted...
And She still isnt. But you're just... *sigh*

and when you say "I dont like how he can make you break down and be sad, frustrated so..." Ok, wise guy, do you have any God Damn idea WHAT happens when YOU say a word or two in anger to her? Your simplest egotistically understandable remarks even... can wreck her...do you have any idea how she cries, literally cries with tears down her cheek just cuz this "friend" is angry? You're not even her bf and still you're dear enough to her, you're worth tears to her, but you STILL don't respect that and honour that.... :( its a shame. Do you know what I have to go through to try to console her for YOU...? and You're not even her man. :\ Im not even supposed to be caring you know, but I do....or alteast I DID, until i was told that you dont respect or even give a fuck--no, rather, you dont even ACCEPT my 'existence' at all. Im just an "obstacle"...something that came in between....
Unbelievably pathetic. :\
You know honestly, Im surprised at how fuckedup in denial a person can be to think shit like that...
Its not depth, guy. its worrisome shit.

You have the nerve to talk to her about Marriage?! I mean who the fuck do you think you are....?? Really...just look at yourself... you're violating her trust in you as a 'friend', not respecting the matter-of-fact realities... cheating her friendship for something YOU want and she DOESN'T :|
if that's not the kind of intention her and I have been noticing, then WHAT are you saying....? WHAT is the matter with you? Do you know what it feels like when your gf tells you that THAT's what someone said....? Do you???
If I STILL had respect for you all this time, I think the last remaining blades of it burned away after you said this to her....and i know that was, as well, some time ago....

I dont think you accept reality....you dont accept ME...you dont think 'I' exist....
Denial. Denial and nothing but.
You never truly accepted when she told you "NO"
You never truly accepted when she said she found ME
You never truly accepted ME being there....where YOU wanted to be
and by 'accepted' i mean truly, not just a superficial yeah-yeah

Man, cmon...
I thought you were more sensible...
Why do you have to put this on her plate? Do you think she needs to deal with this? No, she does NOT... :S
It is a matter of great resent for her when she sees someone who can be such a good "friend" of hers, someone she trusts she can keep at such a close distance all of a sudden turns into...something else...
that just makes things rotten.
And then you gotta go around shoving your "oh its not THAT love you think of" crap in her face when clearly your intentions are evident....i dont even know what to say to you man...just... atleast look at how old you are and wtf you're doing... :\
When there's a girl and guy...who are to be friends, and nothing more...then one should just....accept that...
Otherwise its pathetic.
You make her regret keeping you soooo close...If you really DONT want that then get your shit straight.
WAKE the FUCK up already...
It totally seems like you're not gonna even THINK about it, you're just NOT gonna GET IT until you have your ass handed to you gracefully by someone. She doesnt try to do that cuz she has a place for you in her heart. But you keep mistaking it for some OTHER place in her heart. Do you know how stupid this seems, for a person your age and your social standing? Not AS stupid as me having to say all of this stuff just cuz someone is too thickheaded to understand... :\

I thought you were better than this, I thought you were not like the others...

Before her and I, when you two were real close I wasnt like YOU, you asshole :\ i respected boundaries...and would you believe me if i say I, personally, used to encourage her...to go for it, have at it. But No, that just wasn't meant to happen. And it didn't. Despite all that, she didn't think that was it for her. You should've understood there and then cuz I know she was clear enough. She has always been clear enough. They say when a man and woman are together, attraction is inevitable. Well, It was her choice...and she made it...a long time ago. But you are still denying it to yourself...what happened to self-respect? ghairat? :\

And I dont know why you have it in your head that I have an impending exit waiting to happen, after which you can force your way in like you try to, even now...every once in a while there is an episode.
Pathetic.

Believe me...
If I were to meet you, I would have an answer to ALL your notions and arguments, answers that when she tries to give you in her words time and again, just don't really make you stop....and think about what you're doing. You don't understand her language. Maybe(just maybe) you'd understand mine.
Like that song goes...
"Friends, lovers or nothing. There can only ever be one.
FRIENDS, LOVERS or NOTHING. There can never be an in-between, so give it up."

1:45am, Tuesday night...Apologies to Sir Syed and Iqbal :P

*cuddled up in blankets*...
Eden: You know I dont think people made love in the old days, like 1840s...
Sam: Really? What makes you say that baby?
Eden: I just think so...
Sam: Hmmmm, I think they could...I mean its human nature
Eden: Nahi..you can't imagine sir syed ahmed khan really 'making love' to his wife, can you??
Sam: O_o *baffled* Kyaa?!!
Eden: ..or Mariah Carey?
Sam: WHaatT??! *breaks into laughter* Komal? WTH??
Eden: Han na, that's just so...I, I just dont think the girl would be able to...you know...
Sam: *still laughing*
Eden: wo daarhi itna.....chubti hogi...ERGH!
Sam: *completely cracks up*
Eden: Shutuuup! :P *cracks up too*
*after sharing profuse laughter finally calms down*
Sam: WOW
Eden: Yeah so you see, they probably didnt make love...
Sam: Yeah I guess they didnt then... not with that beard anyways *aftershock laugh* :P
Eden: *snickers* yeah, God, Ergh...
Sam: That's why I'm never keeping a mustache or a beard...
Eden: Haan..
Sam: taake chubne ki kisi ko fikr na karni pare na... :P
Eden: Ji han! *laughs away* awesome ;)
Sam: But mariah carey...?? sir syed...?!! WTF?!
Eden: What...? im just sayin :P
Sam: Seriously?? :D
Eden: Yeah Iqbal was really fat too...
Sam: Huh??! HAHAHAHAH!!
Eden: Im seriouusss... *giggles* wo ITNE mote the pata hai? :P
Sam: Omg! And did you know that he had many wives in his life...?? Not simultaneous though
Eden: Really?? Wow....*pause*...maybe Mariah Carey would be calling Iqbal while she is underneath sir syed... :P
Sam: *barely constrained chuckle* making an appointment for tuesday..? *laughs his head off*
Eden: *cracks up again*

Oh God, the stuff we talk about sometimes... HAHA!! :D
Love you, Babydoll :)

Uno Cuatro Tres <3

Jump then Fall

There are times when you say I'm just typical: my affections are pretentious. Not meant, not met up to, that they let you down, claims unmet, promises unkept...patience lost...
Its nobody's 'fault'.
It's just me being...well, pretty damn ordinary. Which defines my persona through the paradigm of an unbiased unattached perspective. (yes, you're biased too :p)
That's what love does. It happens to everyone. And yes, everyone lives and loves like everyone else and the Earth keeps on spinning. But naturally, as a bf, I feel as though I'm entitled to a couple or so responsibilities. And I take them up, the best I can, and try...atleast try...to be the best I can be. Even if it means failing miserably cuz of predestined or inexorable circumstances.
Just because you fall, are let down, turned off...
doesn't mean you won't be brought back up, turned on...
you think I won't catch you if you fall? cuz of my antics and fuckups?
I mean, I admit that I can't be the dream date, I admit that I say things that are sometimes not met up to. I'm fallible. Very. But that doesn't mean that I wont pretend, that I wont dream, that I wont try...
There ARE times in life when you just don't wanna miss a good chance to shut up.(this is not one of those times) And there are also times when you just don't wanna be caught off-guard by any reason. By any notion put forth by you or any other. But there are times, too, when you just don't wanna think like a realist, strictly practical and measured; but dream like a child. Say without repress, claim without reason, and imagine without restraint. (I mean really, where's the fun without it? just Think :) Life is a bitch enough.) And baby When you shine in my eyes, it's one of these moments...
and at such instances if i lead you to believe what I want you to believe, please do, I'm not saying don't believe me...but...always remember that it was only you whom I ever said anything like that to, whom I ever made such a promise to, and with whom I ever claimed such a thing. And later if those very things fall apart over something else I said...the latter being in a moment of anger/resent/frustration maybe...then please don't forget the former.
Don't be afraid to be let down. I'm terribly human. Prone to mishap. As well as heartbreak. But so are you. In order for two simpletons like us to have each other, forever, we must first indeed recognize the fallibility of ourselves, no?
Revenge, my dear, isn't sweet to me. The conscious breathes but does it really need to choke the other for a moment to really feel better again?
I love you more than songs can ever say.(and they say alot) I care for that heart and those tears more than my own. But only when I do something bad is when I realize I shouldn't have. In the end, one cannot possibly live with too many restraints on thought and expression. You're a staunch believer in that. So am I. But as biased as I am, I may sometimes disregard this for myself. And yes, it just happens. I don't wanna hurt you. And It still happens. I dont wanna be angry but at times it still happens. Obviously, Im not perfect even if i try.
Realizing this, I dont stop trying altogether...
Cuz if I do that, who's gonna be all mushy at the age of grandpa and grandma, hm? Who's gonna lie in the same bed and chat on msn? Who's gonna have same & eden in an aquarium? Who's gonna talk you to sleep? Who's gonna call me stupid and tharki and loser? Who's gonna cook a killer lasagna on my birthday? Who's gonna teach me how to salsa? Who's gonna tell me im boring? Who's gonna visit me in my dreams?
Without you, I dont wanna be. Without you is just outside my brain matter, and i want it to stay there. I want us to last. When times are good, when times are bad. Whatever the magnitude, the foundation of it all is hope of the future. If a such a thing as hope, something abstract, can keep us two together, well I would imagine WE are only as imperfect as it gets. and yes we damn well remember it at all times, or else... :p
I love you. I need you.
And when one of us shows some of the ever-prevalent human tendencies of 'fuckin-up', well... then don't be afraid. <3
To Believe again.
To Say again.
To Smile again.
To Love again. :)



Uno Cuatro Tres <3

Please? :)

Edge of Desire

Young and full of running, tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity.

Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me.
For all of my trying we still end up dying, how can it be?

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running all the way to the edge of desire.
Steady my breathing, silently screaming 'I have to have you now.'

Wired and I'm tired, think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor.
Or maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours.

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see.

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe.
There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

Ozzy

Today as I was walking home from college, I had an urge to just sit down, recall... and write... about my best friend...
"Ozzy"...

There have been so many times, in the 3 years of my life that i've known you, which have given me a reason to smile...
Ahh..where to begin dude...seriously :)
That one evening when I was minding my own business and suddenly I get a random text:
"See ya tomorrow" followed by a smiley
Being the macho prick I impulsively wrote
"Who the fuck is this?"
and I swear to this day I remember how the next reply felt and how it made me laugh at myself mockingly:
"I'm the fucker who was with you on the fuckin Visa Interviews last month!"
"Ohh shit! Im so sorry yar, I though it was.."
and so with the following inflow of sorry's, laughs and f-words, began what has been the best and most deeprooted and total-chemistry friendship I've had my life...
:)
I knew there was something about it... immediately after we had attended the PDO at envoy that I had found a cool guy to begin with, "this dude rocks" I thought to my 15year-old self :P hahah! It was indeed more than just that ;)
The following year in the US and how things turned out for all of us and how, despite being out of contact and immersed in the fastpaced highschool-exchange-student life, we held on to each other's freindship was simply remarkable. and enough to make me sit right now... infront of this lcd with perhaps... a lil somethin in my eye...(jk..!)
and reminisce how the days have passed, how we've built upon the things that we had to face, the distance barriers, the understanding, the culture shocks...
the "getting-exactly-what-you-mean-by-that-grin" understanding between us, be it witty, shitty, or extremely perverted hahah! ;p
regardless, just that having a dude who gets you totally and who doesnt show off, doesnt snob and just cracks you up everytime...and just having someone to talk to when the going gets tough...and having them make you laugh when you feel like falling apart..
when you're having your emo moments and someone lifts you up and gives you a "snap-the-fuck-out-of-it" call (one that works)...
Our "Man Dates" that now my gf sorta gets jealous about *grins* :P
and the profuse usage of the f-bomb hahaha! (Oh dare i miss that? :P)
and our "terminologies" for this and that, starting from CTF&FTB and DIV&F...HAHA!
God, Its hilarious to recall, bud! :D How CR came into being (im sure you remember that incident) :D
and ofc matters of real importance to guys...such as beefs, girls, studies etc.
You've been there for all this and more...so much that Its hard to encompass it all over here in this text.
You've been the one who, no matter what, and no matter where and how effin busy, never forgot about me and yes, I never forgot to think about you...even if we were 4 state lines apart... :) and now just an expressway apart :P haha!
And above it all, being lucky enough... to have...a best friend... :)
Its a reason enough to celebrate because it's "you" who's it, man.
Maybe I never really expressed how i felt before, maybe I haven't told you about what our friendship means to me...But today, I take the time to say it...
perhaps, only some of it...
but say it right...
God Bless You Dude, Wish You The Best of Everything for what's to come... *winks* ;)
You're a treasure of a friend. A treasure I dont wanna lose. :)

Imagine Me Imagining You Imagining Us ;)

I envy you for that...
Yes, that dream made me drift away...
It felt so mesmerizing just to imagine...(yep, imaginations rock)
and it made me happy... :)
You said "So if you love someone that means you wonder about them??"
gee, Well..DUH!
:P
and that's my unalienable right, your dreaminess...
yes, the right to use my head...my imagination :D
so yeah...please dont refrain yourself, its your right too...
besides, YOU were the one who dreamt such an awesome dream, not me... :P
So go ahead ;) utilize the rest 42% of it that was kept safe from your "tharki"... :P
HAHA! God *shakes head* :D
Oh and yes, despite it all...I would still wish that the 65% of it comes true like you told me :P warna aur bhi dreams hain jo.. apko pata hi hain ;) but they're a bit too bizarre or a bit too much for.. just yet...if you know what I mean... :P
Uno Cuatro Tres <3